Faith Means Letting Go (For Moms of Kindergartners)

Today is not a blog about crafts, recipes, projects, or whatever else I normally put on my blog.

Today is a day where I pour out my feelings to you all.

So why pour out my feelings...because I'm not sure what else to do besides keep myself busy.

It's official...all my children are in school.

This had to be one of the hardest days of my life. Holding my little guy's hand as I walked him into the school building. I cried as we waited in the gym for school to start. I was shaking not wanting to let go of his hand. Everyone around me was calm and starring at me. I felt alone, but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't keep the tears from falling. I still can't.

I brought Zane to his classroom and helped him with breakfast. Parents were starting to leave and there I was still holding onto my little man. I knew it was going to be hard, because every time I thought about it this week, tears came to my eyes. With my girls it was a happy moment walking them to their classroom and smiling as I walked away, but I guess knowing there ain't going to be any little ones running around my house, keeping me company, is hard. It's real hard. It's lonely. 

Not only is Zane my last child he's also a Mommy's boy.

I have never been away from him, other than times I didn't have a choice. Like hospital visits. But that's a whole other chapter in my life that is finally starting to close. Another story for another time maybe? I am very blessed to be a stay at home Mom and spend every day with my children. I guess that's the hard part about spending every moment with your child, they eventually have to leave. It goes by faster than I ever could have imagined.

From the moment Zane Wesley Secret was born I couldn't put him down.

Was it because little boys steal their Mommy's hearts? If you haven't heard that before, I can say this is true.

Was it because I knew he would be my last little one? Not by choice, but for my health.

Was it because I watched my Mom holding her first and only Grandson in the hospital room knowing she was dying of cancer?

I suppose all of these played a big role into my special bond with my son. A bond that won't be broken even if it means I have to let go as I walk away from his Kindergarten classroom.

Yesterday he was born (so it seems) and today he is a big boy in Kindergarten. I'm not sure how time got away from me. Every morning my little guy would sit on me for hours and snuggle with me. He never was eager to watch T.V., or play with his toys, or do whatever boys do every morning. HE We looked forward to waking up each morning and sitting on the couch spending hours together. He gave me at least 100 kisses in the morning, and right now it seems like I've been cheated with my kisses this morning.

For the last couple of years I have been trying to get him to sleep in his own bed, and going on 6 years old you would think he would be sleeping in his own bed. But in the middle of the night he would always make his way into our bed, taking it over. Last night he went to bed in his own bed and woke up in his own bed. How I missed waking up to him this morning. How he managed to sleep in his bed all night, I'm not sure, but if there was a night I wanted him sleeping in my bed, it would have been last night. I guess maybe it was God's way of telling me that my little boy is no longer a little boy, but a big boy.

Here I am waiting for school to be out so I can finally hold my little man in my arms again, but for once time seems to be going so slow. Time always seems to fly, but for once it's on hold.

I wish someone would have told me that my heart would break as I slowly let go of my son's hand. I guess we are never really prepared for what our future holds or how we will feel. As I write this I can only think about how selfish I am because some Mommy's are letting go of their son's or daughter's hand as their child is making their way to heaven and I'm only letting go of Zane's hand for a short time.

My heart aches but I smile because he smiles. Zane was excited and couldn't wait to get to school. I am happy and I did cry tears of joy and I know I will be excited to hear all his stories when he comes home from school. As I write this I say I'm alone but really I'm not. God is always there to hear me, I just have to learn to reach out more to God. Now that I have more time I know that more time will be spent on having a better relationship with God.

The first step I need to take is letting go and trust that God knows what he is doing as Zane and even my girls get older. I can't always protect them, but I can always pray for them. As I write this I'm wondering why letting go was so hard. Is it because I no longer have control? The truth is, I never had control, God did. God knows what he is doing with our children's lives. I just have to learn to have Faith. The real protection is our Faith in God.

God walks with our children each day even as I had no choice but to walk away. God never turns his back on our children or us. We may never understand what God is doing in our lives but through good times and the bad times we must know that God knows better than us. He has a plan for our children as much as we want to control the lives of our children, but we must understand that letting go is the first step. We tried to do as God asked us to do as Mothers, but now it's time to let God do what God does best....HIS JOB.

I know with God's guiding hand and my Faith my children will walk away with their own Faith. So now it's time to have complete Faith that as my children grow their Faith will grow. I'm not really walking away or letting go, I'm just letting God take control......

Thanks for letting me pour out my feelings today. It was a hard week for me. Not only did I have to let go of Zane's hand as he started Kindergarten I had to let go of Jaden's hand as she started High School. Having Cameron going into 4th grade was a breeze!

Letting go is not always easy but we truly never let go we just leave it in God's hands for we can't always walk hand in hand with our children but God can. God is Our Father, Our

Protector, and we know this because God let go of his own Son for us. But just as we never really let go God never really let go of Jesus because he lives. Jesus lives through us and by believing this we know that letting go really means leave it in God's hands. As much as I hurt this morning, I know that by believing in The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit my time will come where there is no hurt, because I found the Faith to let go.

"But a time is coming, and has come, when you will be scattered, each to his own home. You will leave me all alone. Yet I am not alone, for my Father is with me."  John 16:32

I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.  Psalms 34:4

But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To him be glory both now and forever! Amen.  2 Peter 3:18

The lot is cast into the lap, but its every decision is from the Lord.  Proverbs 16:33

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.  Hebrews 11:1

Leave your orphans; I will protect their lives.  Jeremiah 49:11

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  Proverbs 3:5

In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.  Proverbs 16:9

Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.  Proverbs 22:6

Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."  Matthew 19:14

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.  Gelations 2:20

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.  Romans 8:18

Amen

I'll leave you with some happy moments!