Many people are not looking forward to their birthday especially when it comes to the big 40, me on the other hand have been looking forward to my 40's probably since I was in my 20's. I've always felt like I was an old soul. I think that has a lot to do with the fact that I had my first daughter at 16 and I had to grow up a lot earlier than kids my own age. So many people get to enjoy their adolescent years onto their college years and for me my adolescent fun stopped when I became pregnant at the age of 15. My mother was a single mother herself and she was very adamant that she would not be raising my child, and I am so thankful for that, because she taught me how to be a strong, independent woman. That no matter what obstacles was thrown my way, I would overcome them. So what's the point to my story? What's the point of me writing this blog? Well for me it's an encouragement to all of those who have struggled and to let them know that with determination anything is possible. So here's my story.
(Me at 40)
I never felt that my life was difficult, I was very blessed to have a roof over my head, a mother that loved me, a place that I felt safe and friends I could count on. My life was no where as difficult as so many others, but I just wanted everyone to know that you are not alone. One thing I have learned as a counselor is that we all have a story, a story of pain and if more people shared their story, so many others would know they are not alone. Mental health has long been stigmatized, so many people struggle with mental health, but due to the fear or negative feedback from others, people battle mental illness alone or don't get the help they need. Here is my battle story and the many years I fought to get to where I am today.
(Me & My Bestie Leslie, my biggest supporter since 5th grade)
As a toddler we packed up our bags, and moved from North Dakota to New Mexico. My Mother was from New Mexico and her Mother was sick with Lupus. I don't have much recollection of that time but eventually my Granny would pass away and we would move to the family farm, which I call home. My personality was always quiet, never talked. Mom took me to the doctor at 2 because I hadn't started talking yet and she thought I was deaf. Part of that is me and part of it is my culture, quiet, to myself, and very aware of my surroundings and what is going on. My father and I had a very close relationship, I was Daddy's girl and this is where my inner battle begins.
(My Mom holding my little sister Lonee & Me stuck to my Dad like glue)
I remember it just like it was yesterday, my quiet self stood behind a door watching as my Father packed his bags, not knowing anyone was watching. As I watched him drive away a letter was left for me by him. I read it and I was beyond hurt, I was devastated. I called my mother and let her know what happened and from that point on I put a smile on my face and pretended everything was okay, when in all reality the pain I felt was unbearable. My Father, my best friend, my whole world left when I needed him most, I was going into the 7th grade, some of the most important years lied ahead and I was not sure how I would get through those years without him by my side. What was worse, something I never truly could wrap my head around and still battle with to this day; is how could he marry someone who was the most hateful creature to us kids, to his own flesh and blood?
(My Mom & Dad, myself & my other brother Scott)
My Dad is not the same man I knew when he lived with us. My Father was the most caring, hands on Father a child could ask for. I watched how he was with my half-sister, he was not the same Father I once knew. I could tell his heart was broken, he was broken and he himself was just surviving. Sure he drank here and there while in New Mexico but when he moved back to North Dakota I had never seen him drink so much. My Father became addicted to alcohol to mask his pain and it was the worst thing for me to watch him slowly killing himself.
(Left to Right: Grandpa Lawrence, older brother Scott, little sister Lonee, my Dad, and myself)
So many things happened my 7th grade year. I began having seizures and was diagnosed with Catamenial Generalized Tonic Clonic seizures, most know as Grand Mal Seizures. These are the worst seizures to have, there is no surgery because they happen all over the brain, not just one side. For me I have no clue they are about to happen. I pass out, somewhere in between I am awake and usually someone moves me to a bed (I never remember that part). When I finally come to, I have no recollection of what day it is, nothing, and a seizure headache puts migraines to shame. I sleep all day, and the next day I still feel like shit, but I put on a good smile because I hate that someone has to take care of me. These normally happened about once a month around the time of my menstrual cycle and these went on until July of 2011.
I've will be celebrating 10 years of being seizure free in July, other than an occasional seizure if I forget to take my medications or I'm sick and can't keep my medications down, I have been seizure free for 10 years. I believe I've had one seizure that has been unexplained since a seizure specialist found the right combination of medications, but overall my seizures are under control. Epilepsy has been one of my biggest struggles in my life where I have put on a persona that everything is fine but deep down it has impacted my life more than I care to share but I am sharing my story today so that someone may read this and never give up.
Seizures took so much from me and although I have been seizure free almost 10 years they still take from me. Do you know what it is like to not remember your childhood? Do you know what it is like to not remember the birth of your children? Do you know what it is like to frequently forget people's names? For almost 20 years seizures controlled my life. Wondering if I was going to fall so hard that I hit my head and would die. The thought that I could be taken from my children is unbearable, knowing my children would have to help me when having a seizure (I felt so helpless), not being able to drive, not wanting to ever be alone, I lived in fear.
I never shared how seizures really affected me. Once again I put on a smile and pretended that everything was okay, but every move I made, every decision I made, was dependent on my epilepsy. I don't think I could ever describe how epilepsy affected me but I can tell you some days I would have rather been dead than having do deal with seizures and the misery that I endured. I felt like my adolescent years onto my 20's was ripped right from me.
If I couldn't handle anymore my 7th grade year my Grandma, Uncle, Aunt and her Husband had been drinking and made a decision to get into a car and just like that they were gone. I still have traumatic flashbacks at the wake. My observant self heard the adults talking and one thing I wish my seizures would have erased are those conversations. That day greatly impacted my life and the reason I decided to become a substance use counselor. The one thing that prevented me from the generational curse of alcoholism was hearing the ongoing crying of my baby cousin who was far too young to understand why his cries were not being comforted by his parents. To this day I still remember that cry. When he calls me in the middle of the night hurting, I remind him that he saved me.
(Left to Right: My Grandpa Lawrence, and my Uncle Davie, Grandma Lawrence, Aunt Carol [the 3 that passed in the car accident] and then my older brother Scott)
I absolutely hate alcohol. What is has done to my Native ancestors, what is has done to my own family, the pain it has caused me, how many lives it has destroyed, alcohol is the silent killer.
That was the year my whole world fell apart and yet nobody knew. Maybe is was because I was always quiet, never used much expressions, really in a way on the outside I was okay but in the inside the pain was so hard for me to handle. Smoking marijuana became my saving grace. It helped me to mask those emotions. For a brief moment I could hang out with friends, put a smile on my face, and we could all be happy together, but it never lasted long. As a counselor I get asked often, what's the matter with smoking weed and I tell them if you need a substance to have fun then the substance controls how you have fun, you are not controlling how you have fun. You see I finally learned what fun is. Fun is enjoying my life, finding hobbies that make my life complete, fun is satisfaction with my life. Smoking weed allowed me happiness but until I found my own happiness my life would never be fulfilled. Marijuana masked my pain and dealing with my pain has given me freedom, freedom to control my own happiness, not relying on a substance to bring me happiness.
So there I was entering into my teenage years and I was relying on marijuana to make me happy, struggling with unspoken pain, and starting something and never following through with it. I used to love to run track, but my Dad was my biggest supporter. The one that pushed me and he was no longer there. I will never be able to say that when I ran track I did my best. I'll never know what my true time would've been after I finished a race because I didn't try; I couldn't, that was me and my Dad's thing and he wasn't there. I felt like he didn't care, so why should I? So I quit and that seemed to be the ongoing story of my life: START SOMETHING AND THEN QUIT.
Going into my 9th grade year I made the decision to live with my Father on the reservation. I guess I was hoping that if I was living with him he would remember what we once had and he would return to being the Father I once knew. That year became a living hell. My step-mother was something you would see from Cinderella and eventually I had no choice but to move back home. I always hated school from the time I began, I have many memories of my brother dragging me onto the school bus, crying, kicking and screaming, begging not to go school and this was the perfect opportunity to drop out. My Grandad found out I wasn't going to school and he wasn't having any of that, so I packed my bags and was off to live with my Aunt in Arizona. I guess I was still reeling from the pain of what felt like rejection from my Dad that I began looking for that same love from a male in all the wrong ways. Things were going okay while I was in Arizona, I even got a chance to go home and visit during spring break. During that visit I "enjoyed" some time with my on and off again "friend." Then off I went back to Arizona. I was lonely during that time and still searching for the love my Dad once gave to me and had a night of fun with my cousin's brother-in-law and that was when my life really spiraled out of control.
There I was 15 years old pregnant and not knowing who the father was. God I was so ashamed because that was not the type of person I was. I was just trying to find a way to replace the love that I once felt. I hid my pregnancy from everyone except my sister and I think I was about 7 months pregnant and my sister finally told my Mom. My poor Mother, that's the last thing she needed on her plate, a pregnant teen. She was so upset and wanted me out of her house. Seems a little harsh but I think she was at her whits end with my behavior and that was the final straw. She had her own struggles she was dealing with. I never held it against her, I understood. What was I going to do, a 16 pregnant-homeless teenager? Thankfully that on and off again "friend" decided to step up to the plate and become a father and boyfriend even though he knew my daughter may not be his.
So here I was moving in with my 18 year old boyfriend and his family. Everything seemed to be going so good. He stopped using heavy drugs, we were a family then the bomb was dropped. The paternity test came in and his Dad, Mother, himself, and myself gathered around my sweet Jaden and opened up the results and Jaden wasn't his. We all cried, how could this be, for the first time in years I was finally happy. That day forever haunts me which I will revisit this story later on.
My whole life began to crumble in every direction. My friends moved onto heavier drugs and I was headed in the same direction but I remember I was at a friend's house and it was like a scene from a movie. People were everywhere, passed out on the floor and needles, oh the needles. I remember at the moment I had a decision to make, drugs or Jaden. I chose to be a mother and never looked back.
Life was pretty hard, not knowing if my daughter would have clothes, or food, a place to stay but somehow we survived. Eventually I started working and things were finally headed in the right direction or so I thought. My Mom had received a phone call that I hadn't made it to work. Knowing I left for work that morning the search began. On my way to work I had a seizure and went into a field and basically disappeared. Eventually I woke up and not remembering knowing what happened or anything for that matter, I just began walking. I didn't know where I was, who I was, I just knew I had a seizure. Eventually I found a house and was reunited with my family and thankfully I wasn't harmed but I was no longer able to drive. That made everything difficult, I couldn't support my daughter and my Mom could barely support us kids being a single mother herself.
At the age of 19 I met my now husband. For 4 years we had a long distant relationship and a weird one at that. We were complete opposites. He grew up in a 2-parent household and never knew the struggles that I went through. This guy was so selfish, and my Mom absolutely hated him lol and yet I knew this was my forever guy. Eventually I found myself pregnant again and a single mom. I guess something snapped for him because when Cameron was 6 months old he packed his bags and we moved in together. I guess things were good, I mean it was really hard for me to trust a man and I secretly struggled with many unresolved issues but for the most part I was happy. Then he popped the question and at first I said ABSOLUTELY NOT, but he talked me into it and here we are married for 16 years and together for 20, half of my life.
(Myself & my middle daughter Cameron)
My husband has been a real trooper, he watched me and supported me through all my struggles. To this day I don't think he really knows what pain I endured but I know, he knows, I was not mentally okay and did what he needed to do...support me. If I could erase any of my years it would most certainly be my 20's. My 20's were filled with heartache and pain but also the time where I finally asked Jesus to help me.
(Myself and the Hubby)
In January of 2007 I found out I was pregnant with my son. I was excited but soon after, my Mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer and was given 6 months to live. There was nothing exciting about this time and to top it off a few months before I became pregnant I had my routine MRI-CT scan for my seizures and the results were in. I got the worst news of my life, the doctor told me I had a brain tumor in the part of my brain that was inoperable and if I had any chance of living I would need to abort my angel. I told them that wasn't going to happened and walked out with no real plan. I guess my plan was to pretend I didn't get that diagnoses and focus on my Mom because that's exactly what I did. I wasn't really sure if I was going to tell my Mom, she was already going through so much and the thought of possibly loosing a child would only cause more stress and worry and I wanted her to focus on getting better, but eventually I needed her and told her. I guess me and my Mother handled pain/stress the same way and pretended like nothing was going on.
During that time I tried hard to hold my life together, but with my recent diagnoses, my Mother's diagnoses any other news would send me overboard and it did. Another scare happened (it's not my story to tell) but it was very difficult and that incident brought me to my knees. That moment I was so overwhelmed I finally called in Jesus to help. I could slowly feel the heavy burdens get a little lighter. I always believed in Jesus but never knew Jesus and that was the day that got me to where I am today.
My angel was born, Zane Wesley named after my Mom's firstborn who passed away of SIDS, Wesley Wayne. It was a tribute to her. Despite the doctor's predictions, she got to be there for his birth, her only grandson. After my son was born I was sent to a seizure specialist to have another MRI-CT scan to see how the tumor progressed. I just knew when the doctor walked in with the new scans that death was knocking at my door and was prepared to ask how long I had to live. The doctor put up my previous scan along side my new scan and says, I don't have an explanation other than this is a miracle from God but I see no tumor. I knew it was a God thing too. I truly believe had a aborted my son, that tumor would have killed me as I would've killed my son had I followed the doctor's orders. I also believe that God put that doctor in my life because he was also the doctor that got my seizures under control. Last, God heard my cry that day and he wanted me to be okay so I could focus on my Mom
(Picture on left: Myself and my son Zane, Picture on the right: My oldest daughter Jaden, my Mom holding Zane, and my youngest daughter Cameron)
Despite all the good news I quietly struggled with postpartum depression. Nobody knew not even I knew until I started college and became more educated on the topic. I was so fatigued and couldn't get anything done. My husband would come home and the dishes weren't done and he would try to do them and I wouldn't let him because I felt like I was failing. I was embarrassed, ashamed but that was the least of my worries. I felt so lazy and in all reality I thought I was just being lazy, but the truth is I had no energy, no drive, and no hope. I truly thought these were related to my thyroid or my new medications. To this day my husband thinks that is what it was. Not because he don't believe me but because that's what I told him. Never did it cross my mind that it was mental health until I learned more about depression. I struggled with suicide ideations and what's crazier is I never wanted to die. I was no longer in control of my own thoughts, it was like the devil took control over my thoughts. I'm so thankful I didn't have the thoughts of harming my children like some woman do who have postpartum depression, in fact my children were my saving grace. Some days when those thoughts entered into my mind I would hold my son and say to myself "I have children who need me, I have children who need a mother, I have children who love me." I don't have a timeline of how long I struggled with it because 1) I didn't know I had postpartum depression 2) so much sadness was going on during that time it's hard for me to know what was grief and what was depression.
Cancer took my Mom's life the following year, October 21, 2008. That was such a difficult time in my life. Despite all the sadness I felt at peace with her death. I was visiting with my mother one day and she reached out to me. My mother and I never really had a close bond, I was a daddy's girl, but that day we connected. She had been frustrated that people were trying to make decisions for her. They didn't want her to drink coffee, they didn't want her to smoke, they wanted her to continue chemo and seek a second opinion after doctors told her nothing more could be done. Secretly, I wanted her to seek out that second opinion too. She was a fighter and I wanted her to keep fighting, but she was tired. She said to me; "Jodi, I'm tired. I have Jesus in my life and his Kingdom awaits me." An overwhelming peace came over me as if Jesus was right there with us and he probably was, but I knew it was her time to finally be free of all the pain that this world had given to her. She was a single mother working 2 jobs at times, never asking a dime from anyone, not even government assistance, and putting up with all of our acting out. My Mom just wanted to enjoy her cup of coffee and a cigarette while watching the sun rise. My Mom was ready to be in heaven with her first born son. She raised strong independent kids who she knew would overcome obstacles just as she did and she knew it was her time. On a more funny note she finally approved of Jared that day lol.
Nothing prepares you for loosing a mother, but despite everything I had been going through my depression was lifting and I could see light at the end of the tunnel again and I give all the credit to getting to know Jesus. This seizure specialist I was referred to for my tumor began a new focus and that was to get my seizures under control. Not for one moment did I believe that he could do it, I had been to several neurologist, but this doctor specialized in seizures. I didn't even know that seizure specialist existed and guess what? He did it! Several test, trials and errors, and a couple of years later I was seizure free, however my luck didn't end there. For 4 years I struggled with some female issues and they could never pinpoint what it was. My pap-smear would comeback abnormal and then I would do another one and it would be normal. For 4 years I was in extreme pain but the pain started many years prior it had just became unbearable at this point. I finally got fed up with my gynecologist and found another one. To my surprise he informed me that he had found cancer cells. Talk about trauma, my mother had just passed away of cervical cancer. We had a plan in mind, the plan was to remove the precancerous cell via a procedure called loop electrosurgical excision procedure. I wanted a hysterectomy because I didn't want to chance cancer returning in the future but I guess with my insurance that wasn't an option.
When I awoke from the procedure the doctor informed me that he found that the pain was actually not caused from the precancerous cancer cells rather endometriosis and adenomyosis. Great, could my poor body take anymore? The good news was that the only cure was a hysterectomy which relieved any thoughts of me getting cancer. I had no plans of having anymore children and let me tell you not because I didn't want anymore but because seizures ripped that option from me. Zane was a newborn and Cameron was 4. I was cooking dinner and had a seizure. Cameron was terrified, not knowing what to do she sat crying at the door waiting for her Daddy to get home from work. Meanwhile I was so blessed that the house didn't burn down, that when I had the seizure I didn't fall onto the stove, or that something didn't happen to my young children and at the moment I decided I couldn't have anymore children. I got a tubal litigation immediately which made it an easy decision to get the hysterectomy.
On a funnier note that was either the best decision of my life or the worst. Stronger pain medications made me sick so I asked if Tylenol with codeine was an option. They asked me if I was out of my mind but I had a very high pain tolerance and felt I could handle it. I woke up from the hysterectomy and in a lot of pain. I informed the nurse of the pain and she told me to let the pain medications kick in. I took the pain for about 2 more hours and called the nurse back. She decided to up my meds and when she went to go do that, realized they forgot to turn the drip on lol. So basically I had a hysterectomy with no pain medications. I guess it was just preparation for what was about to happen.
About a month after the surgery things seemed to be going well. I felt the best I had felt in years. Things were falling into place, no more seizures, no more woman problems, depression was gone, I had felt the best I had felt in a long time...you didn't think my story ended there did you? For about a month I had this extreme pain that was bringing me to my knees and I went to the ER. They told me it was my body healing from the hysterectomy but this was one of the worst pains I had ever felt. I had 3 children naturally, a hysterectomy without pain meds lol, I mean I have a high pain tolerance and this was bad.
One morning me and the hubby were getting ready to go to the store and I felt extremely dizzy out of nowhere. I began throwing up like crazy. To relax I decided to get in the tub and then something just didn't feel right and I had Jared call 911. I don't remember much as I passed out but many test were done to try and figure out what was going on. The doctor decided to let me go home but a change of sift had a doctor reevaluate my test and he found a bowel blockage and I had went into septic shock.
Of all the things that have happened in my life that was the thing that almost ended my life. They had to use an NG tube to pump that all from my system. Despite the efforts to give me IV meds for my seizures my body didn't adjust and I began having seizures. As a result they would have to reinsert my NG tube 5 times, I hated that thing lol. Could it get any worse well yeah why not, I had a seizure while making my way to the bathroom and busted my tooth and face, it was just lovely. To top that off my baby missed me. He would come and see me and cry and cry not wanting to leave me, even Cameron, Daddy's little girl wanted me home...she was sick of takeout. Thankfully by miracle I was able to leave after 5 days and since then I have been pretty healthy!
Feeling great, and hitting the 30 milestone I was struggling with finding myself. For so long I was mom, or Jodi with health issues, or Jodi with with a fake persona. When my son began Kindergarten it was time for me to do some soul searching and then God sent me a message, I was going to be a substance use counselor. It made sense, somehow I avoided the generational curse, yet I could relate to those who struggled with addiction. I understood what they were going through. Nobody says "when I grow up I want to be an addict." No, drugs and alcohol is a mental condition that needs treatment.
So here Jodi the dropout was ready to try out the college life at the young age of 32. I was really going to have to focus because my last completed grade was 9th grade. I did get my GED at the age of 19 but that is not the same as getting a high school education. I was determined though. My Mother and her parents never went to college, nor did my Dad, his Mother or siblings, however despite all the odds stacked against him my Grandpa did. Do you know what the stats are of Native Americans getting a college education? Not very good. So here I was, ready to change the dynamics in my family!
I didn't pick Psychology-Addictions & Recovery, God called me to do it. It was my God given talent and I know I am good at what I do. Some people may consider me cocky but I want everyone to know that a big part of self-esteem issues that teenagers have today is because they aren't allowed to be proud of their accomplishments without someone thinking they are arrogant. You absolutely can be confident and be humble. One has to know their strengths and weaknesses in order to find their passion, this is a part of self-awareness. What makes me humble? Always being open to learning more in my career, being able to take constructive criticism, owning when I make mistakes and fixing them, and knowing that I am not better than anyone else. All my blessings are from God and I don't counsel for myself, I do it to help others and if I wasn't confident as a counselor than I probably shouldn't be giving out advise. See what I mean...you are worthy and never be invisible because you believe someone will think you are conceited. My friend you overcame some obstacles to get to where you are, never stop shining and always be "coachable." Self-centered people always think they are better than others, are never open to advice, never work on weaknesses, and are never wrong. See the difference?
Now back to my story. Four years of hard work paid off, I graduated and I graduated with honors! I graduated in December of 2016 and took a short break so I could get Jaden all graduated from high school. It was such a big milestone because she had a difficult life herself. She struggled with learning disabilities, we moved her Jr. & Sr. year of high school, her best friend was lost to suicide, and she lost her Granny. My Mom and Jaden had such a special bond but this girl is resilient and continues to live life with a smile and is the most caring and loving daughter anyone could ask for. I like to brag on my kids from time to time and college was not for Jaden and she enrolled in a flight attendant school. The whole COVID-19 stuff hit and being a flight attendant wasn't much of an option for her, but she found a job that absolutely fits her personality. Jaden has always loved granny's and grandpa's and was hired to work as a concierge/front desk clerk at a really nice assisted living facility and I know her loving personality is blessing those all around her.
(Picture on left: My oldest daughter Jaden for Sr. graduation pictures posing with my Mom's Sr. picture, Picture on right: Myself and Jaden for her high schoool graduation)
Did I get off track? I got off track again. After I got Jaden graduated I began my journey to become a licensed alcohol/drug counselor. I worked in a half-way house to men coming out of prison and jail. Wasn't the easiest dealing with these client's but the moment you see them break down and cry and ready to change their ways, is very rewarding. I will never forget the first time someone told me I changed their life. I will never take the credit, that credit goes to God, but I know that I am the tool that God utilizes to help others. I once had a client say to me that I wasn't like any counselor he had ever had, then he said "you care." My heart broke, but I know that not everyone can be a substance use counselor. It takes a lot of patience, understanding how addictions work, and being upfront and honest, but that's the other part of my personality that some may not find so appealing. I have always spoke my mind, never held back, and as a substance use counselor you have to be more outspoken than in other counseling fields. Trust me I know that I would be a terrible child therapist and right now working with teenagers is defiantly an adjustment, but I am so blessed to have the most supportive supervisor/boss who guides me and gives me some good constructive criticism when I need it.
Anyways after about 6 months I decided it was time for me to began my next dream and getting a graduate degree was the next step to achieve that dream. What was the dream? I wanted to eventually create addiction/suicide programs for Native Americans to meet the needs of their tribe. So I decided to get my MBA in Healthcare Management with a minor in Public Administration. That lasted a whole semester. It defiantly was not what I thought it was going to be. At times I kick myself for not following through because that it one of the highest paying jobs and the program was half the credits of a counseling degree, but then I remind myself that I'm not here for the money lol. I never really intended on being a Mental Health Counselor, I was satisfied as a Substance Use Counselor but the more I thought about it, the more I needed to be able to treat those with co-occurring disorders so off to counseling school I went.
(Me earning my MA in Clinical Mental Health Counseling)
That was one of the most difficult things I had ever done in my life. Some days I wanted to quit but I would think back to my teenage years where I never followed through with anything and kept climbing the hill. Plus I met some amazing friends in grad school and they were my main support system because we all understood the obstacles we faced. Needless to say I made it and graduated! I was the first person in my family to get a Graduate degree and it felt amazing. I would have graduated with honors as well but I had a low B in my first MBA degree and they wouldn't exclude that degree from my transcripts so I felt I was cheated but I know how hard I worked so I don't need a transcript to tell me that I barely missed the cutoff, because I did so much more. I felt like I was a role model for all other Native Americans that faced obstacles in their life. If I could do so could they. I also felt like I was a role model for my cousins. I was ready to shift this generational curse and prove to the world that despite the obstacles that our ancestors went through, we are still here and stronger than ever. Of course I can't forget my children, I want them to walk a different path than I did, a better path and I finally felt they had someone they could look up to and follow in my footsteps.
(My support system through grad school, Left to Right: Myself, Lisa, & Tiff...all counselors, changing the world one step at a time)
During my graduate program we packed our bags and headed to Silver City, NM. Somehow during the story of my life I forgot to mention that my husband became a Pastor, hence all the moving. That hasn't been the easiest adjustment but my personality is my best friend. I always say I'm probably not the best Pastor's wife considering I'm an introvert, not talkative, and busy but if boundaries aren't drawn I've learned that some people think you are the Pastor and come to you with questions, concerns, problems...nope! I send them straight to the Pastor lol. Anyways we found out we were moving and I quickly submitted applications for my Practicum to every place I could. My now boss accepted me to be an intern. It was a little intimidating as his program works predominately with children and it was an hour away, although not ideal I was thankful that I wouldn't have to delay my internship, so working with kids I did.
Once I finished my Practicum I entered into another program for my internship more up my alley...addictions and mental health with adults. I loved working back in my field but that program was the absolute worst place I had ever worked for. By the time I was done I wasn't sure I even wanted to go into counseling...I was ready to take a long vacation but thankfully my practicum supervisor knocked some sense into me and gave me an amazing opportunity. He was allowing me to create a program of my desire and he would help make that happen! This was such a God thing...I mean coincidence that the only person to accept me as their intern was a child therapist and I thought after my practicum was over I would never see him again? I was teamed with another amazing co-worker and together we created a Intensive Outpatient Program for teenagers.
I had always wanted to work with teenagers because I felt like I had something to offer them with obstacles I faced and could relate to them so this was a perfect opportunity to make that happen. Remember I mentioned earlier that my daughter had lost a best friend to suicide, well she was one of my main inspirations to get into the adolescent field. I just felt like if I could just prevent one death, stop one teenager from becoming an addict, stop one teen from going to prison/jail, I would have succeeded. So this is where I am today!
Remember earlier when I said I would get back to the story regarding "my friend," now is the time. Last February 2020 I got a call from my sister telling me that he had passed away. I knew immediately what it was (drugs). I always regretted the day that I had to walk away. After I left he started using drugs heavily and deep down I knew had Jaden been his daughter he would still be here today. I was such a bad friend, a friend reaches out when someone is hurting, and I never reached out. My field is to help addicts and I never reached out, something I will carry with me for the rest of my life. I never reached out to the person who named my daughter, the person I hurt and now the only thing left to do is educate others. Addiction is terrible, it takes over the brain and some people think it is as easy as walking away.Will-power, but if it was that simple then I wouldn't have a job. It's important not to enable a person, but it's vital to let them know they are loved, they are important, and you will help them when they are ready. Most importantly know that it is not your fault if someone passes away. It seems contradicting I am saying this but I know that I too must forgive myself and if this is a burden you carry you should too. Sometimes some people don't want help and even if they do, they have to be ready or they will never succeed with sobriety.
Last, I want to say that although I personally never struggled with addiction it is a part of my story and will be an ongoing story until there is healing. I have so many family members and friends who struggle with addiction and it breaks my heart that I help people everyday who struggle with addiction but can't help my own family or friends. The pain that Native Americans endured will forever be a healing process but I do hope that I am paving a path to help my fellow Native Americans. My next goal is to began that addiction/suicide program I talked about earlier and begin to implement it on reservations one day, hopefully sooner than later. That program will be dedicated to my cousin who passed away last year of cirrhosis of the liver at the young age of 30. With the permission of my Aunt I am sharing this story because we hope to prevent another death. The pain of a mother losing a child is something I hope to never experience and will never be able to understand the pain she goes through daily. I am sure she struggles with sadness, anger, guilt, frustration, every emotion that anyone could feel, I'm sure she has felt it all.
So why am I sharing this story...I am sharing this story in hopes that if someone who is struggling sees this story they will seek help. After my cousin passed away I was beyond devastated. I walked into work, quiet not wanting to talk to a soul, masking my pain. I had to run groups that day and it was difficult and without notice, without thought I just shared my story. Now as counselors we are taught not to disclose personal information unless we believe it would help, so it was never a plan to share the story, but I was just so frustrated and in a way I wanted to blame them for my pain. This is called counter-transference which is when a counselor redirects some of their feelings for another person onto a client. We are taught to resolve these issues and know our triggers but this was so sudden I really didn't have time to grieve, so I projected my frustrations and pain onto the clients.
An In-loving memory FB page was made for my cousin and all the pictures were of him drinking even pictures of him passed out and all I could think about, was my Aunt. I told them how frustrated I was with everyone. Oh how devastating it must have been for her to see beloved memories of her precious son of the very thing that took his life. As difficult of a story it was to tell, I'm happy I did. That story touched lives that day, that day I seen grown men cry. I think they knew how they had been hurting their family, how their addiction doesn't just affect them, I think they were able to see how much they were in denial. However, most choose to overlook that because they are so wrapped up in their addiction some feel it's too late. It's never too late. God gives second chances, he heals the broken, but it begins with you. Are you ready? Are you ready to admit you have a problem?
(My cousing, Matthew aka the "Jet" Lawrence)
The road to recovery is not easy, it's more like an obstacle course, but I promise it is possible and you will come out stronger. My obstacles brought me here, this is my story...are you ready to tell yours? Remember earlier when I talked about the difference between arrogance and self-awareness, this is a perfect example. Are you able to ask for help? Are you able to pinpoint your weaknesses? Are you able to admit you need help? If so then you are on a path to humility. Or are you never wrong? Nothing is the matter, you don't have any problems? You are in control of everything? You have a strengths and no weaknesses? Then you my friend are arrogant and until you overcome your denial your path will continue to face obstacles.
My childhood was happy, my adolescent years were heartbreaking, my 20's were spend taking care of my children and dealing with health issues, my 30's were spend taking care of my children and finding myself, and now in my 40's I will continue to care for my children but I waited for the 40's for a very long time because these will be the years where I finally get to take care of me. I have one last thing that I had hoped to accomplish before I turned 40 but the timing didn't work out, but hopefully in July I can close that book and focus on the new me. I'm not finishing a chapter I'm closing a book. It's been a long obstacle course but the reward was worth the battle. I'm sure the battle won't end here but I can guarantee that I will never stop fighting and neither should you!
A side note...my story was never meant to harm or hurt anyone, it's my story. A story I've told many times. A story that has thought others to never give up, to keep up their fight, a story that has helped others overcome their own struggles with addiction or suicide ideations. I have no hard feelings towards my Dad, he is my Father and I love him very much. My Mother taught me to be a strong, independent woman and without that part of my story, I probably wouldn't be in this position to help others. I forgave my Father a long time ago, in fact I never held any of it against him, I just had to learn how to deal with that pain. He is one of the most caring men I have ever met and I know he has his own battles he is fighting, and if and when he is ready, he knows that he can always come to me. No judgement here, just love. I guess that's what makes me a good counselor...I have always been able to understand addictions and I never judge others for a battle they are fighting. We all have battles we fight, we all have a story to tell, we are human and we all make mistakes.
(My Grandpa Lawrence on the left, myself, and my Dad)
I also want to give a shoutout to my Grandpa for being over 20 years sober!!!
I wanted to share what I share with all my adult groups for addictions. I began this because I kept getting the question "How can you help me, when you've never struggled with addiction." So why am I sharing it...because maybe you are reading my story and struggle with addiction and maybe this will help you start your journey of freedom. Do you know how many of my client's have asked for a copy of this? It is always something I am happy to share because someday they will complete treatment and someday they will face troubles and I hope that they reach for this paper and remember that they have a choice. So here it is:
My name is Jodi a Licensed Mental Health Counselor. When attending my groups I have my own rules and expectations that I expect each of you to follow. The first expectation is to show RESPECT.
Respect says a lot about you as a person. If you do not respect me then you do not respect yourself. When you have respect you are giving and defining your own worth and value as a human being. So what does self-respect mean?
- Being an Honest Person...You must be honest with yourself and with others.
- Valuing what I am trying to teach you in these groups...A vital key to self-respect is knowledge.
- Understanding Financial Responsibility...Financial responsibility is a cornerstone to independence.
- Learning to Listen...Part of learning self-respect involves respecting the beliefs of others.
- Understanding the Value of Good Manners and Proper Conduct...Knowing and exercising good manners and proper conduct will make you feel good about yourself, and in return others will respect you for your good manners and proper conduct.
- Learning to Accept Personal Responsibility for your Own Conduct...Part of being a respected person involves taking responsibility for your own actions and holding yourself accountable.
- Learning When and How to Apologize...Accepting responsibility involves formally apologizing for wrongdoing and striving to make amends.
- Learning to Understand Which of Your Friends are Good Influences and Which Ones Are Bad Influences...We must learn to emulate those who are good influences and ignore those who are bad influences.
- Having Important Goals and Plans for Reaching Them...Each goal you set to attain, you will gain strength to challenge yourself a little more; the more goals you attain, the more your self-respect will grow.
Working on yourself means you care about the decisions you will be making for the rest of your life. I know that it is not always easy to have self-respect especially for those who have been down for so long that you forgot what it meant to care not only about others but yourself as well, but as a counselor I want to help you with that and as long as you have respect for me I will help you. The highest levels of respect are always earned never given. You may not always agree with me, but how you conduct yourself is how you gain my respect for you.
- Show Respect for Those Around You...Respect is a two-way street. In order to gain respect, you have to be a giver of respect as well. There's a basic level of respect that we should show for everyone, regardless of the circumstances.
- Show that You Can Make Good Choices...Take the initiative to handle your responsibilities and take them seriously. Do the responsible thing without having to be told or reminded to do so. Your attitude and behavior are two important factors in whether other people will respect you or not and if you will succeed.
- Show That You Believe Your Life Is Important...Act with the utmost respect toward yourself. How you prove yourself whether it is in your spare time, your job, your interest, your goals; these things reveal what you think about yourself. As people observe your attitude and behavior, these observations will go a long way toward you gaining their respect.
Every counselor has their own set of beliefs, values and their own way of doing things. Some counselors may be here because they thought addictions and mental health was an interesting career and wanted to help those who are struggling in those areas. Those counselors bring a psychological aspect to addictions and mental health. Others have walked in your shoes and came out on top and wanted to help you do the same. They can relate to you and feel they understand you because they have been there and want you to achieve the same success they have. For myself, I am the counselor that has suffered the consequences of addictions so I like to stress the importance of family. I want you to see and understand what you are doing to those who love you as well as what you are doing to yourself.
This is the part where I share some key points of my story that I just shared with you (a much more condensed version lol). Towards the end of that story I talk about how I made the decision to choose my daughter's life over my own desires. I then go on to say...I gave my daughter the life she deserved and I hope that those who have children, now is your chance to do the same. For those who have children but don't have a relationship with them; it's never too late and the first step begins with actions. Prove yourself as a father, mother, spouse, and child and hopefully you will gain that respect back...As I said, RESPECT IS EARNED NOT GIVEN. You are not entitled to walk into someone's life after being absent and expect them to welcome you with open arms; you have hurt them but never give up. I forgave my father, despite the many years of pain and one thing I have learned is that some people are not willing to change no matter what they have lost and the only thing I can do is be there if and when they are ready to change.
As you can see I am passionate about helping you because I was the one who was affected by addiction so I know what it is like you be in your family's shoes and and I want you to succeed because I don't want them to hurt and you shouldn't want them to hurt either. And that is why I am here because you deserve a better life and I hope that you can see that. Stop with the excuses. Every excuse is only enabling your bad choices. If you start making good choices today you have a chance to stop the vicious cycle that could be passed down to your children if you don't change. Some may be here because your parents did the same thing to you that you are doing to your family, but you have a chance right now to make the choice to change...so I ask you who is willing to step forward, step-up and take the step by step changes to not only improve your life but those around you? Remember I am here to help you but I can't help you if you don't want to help yourself. So if you are only here because you have to be, know that you don't have to be, you could be in jail or prison, on the streets or you could take advantage of this opportunity and choose to be here even if you are court ordered because ultimately the decision is yours.
For those who are ready for change, I encourage you to ask questions while in group, open up, be an example, don't be afraid of other's opinions, and be vulnerable. When you are vulnerable you want my help even if it means asking questions that some people find humiliating. For example, here is a question some people really want to know but don't want to be embarrassed in front of others: "I love my family but I feel like I love substances more, how can I change that?" That is a question that can be embarrassing but it is a vital question and one that should be addressed and asked. So don't let other's opinions stand in your way of your success. Asking for help doesn't mean you are weak, in fact it's courageous. These things show me that you are serious and that you are processing the valuable information I am giving you to take with you when you leave and hopefully it will impact your life and hopefully it will help you change.
So to answer the question "I love my family but I feel like I love substances more, how can I change that?"
- The first step is to acknowledge you have an addiction
- Be accountable for your actions
- Identify your triggers
- Find alternative coping skills
- Make lifestyle changes
- Learn what love is, addiction is not love it is neurological. Love is action.
Drugs affect the brain's reward circuit by flooding it with the chemical messenger dopamine. This reward system controls the body's ability to feel pleasure and motivates a person to repeat behaviors needed to thrive; spending time with loved ones, eating, and so forth. This over-stimulation of the reward circuit causes the intensely pleasurable "high" which leads people to take a drug again and again. As a person continues to use drugs and/or alcohol, the brain adjusts to the excess dopamine by making less of it and/or reducing the ability of cells in the reward circuit to respond to it. This reduces the high that the person feels compared to the high they felt when they first began taking the substance, also known as tolerance. People then take more of the drug, trying to achieve the same dopamine high. It will then cause people to get less pleasure from other things they once enjoyed, like working or spending time with family therefor tricking your mind into believing you love drugs or alcohol.
So how do you find love again? First you have to understand what love is. I am a spiritual person so I am going to use a bible verse" Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trust, always hopes, always perseveres." ~1 Corinthians 13:4-7.
- Love is not a feeling
- Love is not emotion
- Love is not attractions
- Love is moral character
- Love is action
Love is how we treat others, so I ask you, do you love your family enough that you are willing to remain sober? Show them by taking action, help them by being there for them, love is effort. The first step to ask yourself is how do I love?
Well I'm glad you asked. I have a scenario...A drug dealer says to you "Here is a million dollars worth of drugs for free but if you take these drugs I take your family, or you can walk away with your family and never do drugs again. What do you choose? When you walk out of here you have a choice drug and/or alcohol or killing your family because what you are doing to them with your addiction is killing them because of the pain they have to endure. The choice is yours, do you love by action, or do you walk away by choice. Love is your choice.
And that my friends is my powerful speech written by me that I preach on when entering into my adult groups and it usually causes some tears to shed, attention is all on me, quietness and stillness, and I can see people thinking about their next choice and usually it begins with "that's some powerful stuff, did you write that, can I get a copy?"
Remember when I mentioned that I was 15 searching for love to fill and emptiness? The only love I really needed was to love myself. I can't love anyone else if I don't love myself, the good the bad and the ugly and that is why I tell my story. I don't tell my story to hear congratulations or I am proud of you, actually all of those comments actually make me fill uncomfortable although I know people mean well by them. My husband once said he was proud of me...I never told him to say that again lol, but I am learning to accept compliments, it's a part of learning to love myself, but the real reason I share my story is so that maybe I can save just one life. One life from suicide, one life from addiction, one life on the road to redemption, one life making a choice to get on the right path despite the many obstacles.
My own quote "The past is an explanation, not an excuse for your future." ~Ohan Owotana Win
Sharing a story takes a lot of strength. It evolves swallowing pride, speaking of the truth, all of it, even the most embarrassing parts. But I share it because I hope that it will give you the strength to share yours. I share mine because mental health should no longer be stigmatized. If more people share their stories maybe more people will seek help, if more people seek help, then more lives will be saved and more families will be given hope. I knew from the moment I decided to share my story that it opens the door for judgement, criticism, even being blacklisted, but one thing I have never lacked is self-esteem and confidence. Your words won't break me, you distance won't change me, your opinion won't shake me. This is my story and I am proud of it!
(This is MY STORY)
